Sunday, January 31, 2010

How to get into a Long-Term Relationship

In light of February beginning tomorrow, I wanted to share with you some advice.

Most of you, if you know me at all, know that I am a pro on the topic of relationships, especially long-term ones. On this cold slushy Sunday afternoon, I have decided that I'd give you a few pointers so that you can have that special Valentine in just two weeks.

So for those of you who have a hard time finding that one guy and sticking with him, here are a few tips:

1. Flirting and playing it cool doesn't really work. If you see a guy that you like, just be straight up. The conversation should go like this:
You: "Hi, I'm Desperate Deborah."
Him: "Hey, I'm Hot Harold."
You: "Well, I was just staring at your bottom as you were walking by, and I was wondering if you'd like to take me on a date."
Him: "YESSS!!!"
This allows your relationship to start off on an open, honest note. It will move quickly from there.

2. It doesn't matter at what point in the relationship you are (the first date is always a good time), tell him that God wants you to marry him and ask him to pray about that. It'll hook him.

3. If you realize, after going on a date with him, that you can do better than him... Don't worry! Just stay with him. Force yourself to like him. If you're too good for a guy, that probably means he'll like you more because you're out of his league, and he'll be less likely to break up with you. Perfect platform for beginning that long-term relationship.

4. Wait until the 2nd or 3rd date, and suggest going to the mall. As you walk by the jewelry store, walk in, look at engagement rings and tell him what you want. This will hint that you're in it for the long run. And he's going to love it!

5. It's always good to choose an unattractive (ugly is best) guy because he'll be more likely not to cheat on you and this will truly be a long-term relationship. I mean, if you pick a smokin' hot one, other girls will hit on him and he could give in. An ugly guy will have less girls hitting on him and less attractive girls hitting on him. So, women, choose wisely! When you're 78 years old and blind, it won't matter if he's hot or not, it'll just matter that he's still with you and not some other woman.

So obviously, I have followed these rules rigorously. I haven't actually ever had a long-term boyfriend, but only because I haven't wanted one and so I purposely slipped up on the rules.

To all my single ladies: See you at Valentine's Day (the movie) with your new boys!